Requiem for a Joke Firing

Just a quick note: Yesterday I was asked what the most addictive thing in the world is by one of my supervisors. Since the supervisor in question with the question, Mr. Billings, is my top-most-esque supervisor, I replied promptly with the following options listed in a hard copy of a memo with office letterhead:

Heroin
Godiva chocolate cheesecake from a Cheesecake Factory restaurant
Dan Brown novels

Mr. Billings reviewed my list for nearly 3 minutes before crumpling the hard copy into a ball and tossing it into the garbage bin. "I'm really disappointed you didn't tell me the most disappointing thing in the world is Bounce Out on Yahoo! games. I was really hoping that was what you would tell me, and you let me down. Clear out your desk and vacate the premises."

"What! Are you firing me?"

Mr. Billings stared right through me before responding, "Just kidding. Actually the most addictive thing in the world is a good power trip. But, Bounce Out is a close second."

I Love it When a Man Sings In a High-Pitch Voice What a Woman Would Say (In Song)

1,215 x 820. That’s the ceiling. 1,215 little tiles one way and 820 little tiles the other way. Oh my god I’m so bored! At least now I feel comfortable rockin’ out with my headphones on. Before I was hesitant to blast my 80’s Monster Ballads mp3s, my Hair Ballads mp3s, my Monster Hair Ballads mp3s, and my Justin Timberlake mp3s, but now… Well, now I feel free to rock out with my headphones because nearly everyone else at PI wears headphones at their workstations.

Throughout business school, business training, and the “Givin’ the Business To:” seminar I attended two years ago the very thought of wearing headphones at your workstation was frowned upon. Apparently there is a generation gap as far as headphones go. While younger people can multi-task, older people can’t. Or something. I think older business people prefer silence, candlelight, and ham sandwiches while they work. Younger business professionals enjoy raving, strobe lights, and lobster while they work.

Since older people generally tend to be the people in management positions, the wisdom went that headphones should not be listened to while working. While this may be true, no one over 35 works here at PI. As far as I can tell, anyhow. I’m only 33 years old. And using myself as a yardstick, I conclude that everyone is younger than I.

Of course, I’m not counting Doc ‘cause he’s like 43 or 47 or something old like that. I’m also not certain how old Billings is, either. I think he’s under 35, but who knows? I doubt even he would know if you asked him how old he is.

So, long story short, I’m wearin’ headphones all day long. And guess what? Work gets done! So does the rockin’! Why don't you go Cry Me a River, old people?!?

Let me tell ‘ya, there’s nothing like working out the kinks in a cost-saving logistics proposal while hearin’ Justin and Pharrell croon about some Senorita. And you know that Senorita is a hottie, too. ‘Cause Justin Timberlake don’t waste his time with no skeezy women. Only hotties for J.T.

Evidence:
Senorita, by Justin Timberlake featuring Pharrell

“Fellas:
It feels like somethin’s heatin’ up.
Can I leave wit’chu?

Ladies:
I don’t know, but I’m thinkin’ ‘bout
Really leavin’ with you.”

C’mon!? Does that sound like somethin’ you’d say to anything less than a hottie? Would a non-hottie reply, in song, like that? I didn’t think so, either.

Panhandling and Papyrus Paper

Hhhhheeeeeehhhhhh…. This morning the soda machine ate my two dollars. It just ate them! The coin return yielded nothing! Those were the only two dollars I had on me, too. And of course I forgot to bring my ATM card with me to work today. This means that I have no money and no way of getting money and therefore I have no way of getting lunch. Hhhhheeeeeehhhhhh…

Fortunately, I have been able to scrounge together $0.37 in loose change from the depths of my desk and file cabinet drawers. Unfortunately, that leaves me $0.38 from the cheapest foodstuff in vending: A Dove dark chocolate bar. As bad as I want to eat a crappy Dove dark chocolate bar, I know I'll never collect enough change to buy a soda to wash it down. I could just drink water, but I figure I’m a middle manager and I deserve a soda.

I suppose that I could bum some money from my coworkers, but I haven’t seen many of my coworkers today (even the guy who hands out towels to restroom patrons some days here in my office hasn’t been around). It’s been what I call a “dry day” here in the women’s restroom. Meaning that nary a lady has been in to use the facility. I’ve also had to wait at my desk for an important call from the printers concerning Mr. Billings' new, “Be sure to Establish Clear Punishment for Undesired Behavior” slogan posters. So far, they haven’t called. Last I know the hold up was because of a problem obtaining a picture of a heavily perspiring Les Billings strapped to an electric chair. Mr. Billings swears he has a photograph of just that, but he hasn’t been able to locate it.

Speaking of Mr. B., at 9:45 a.m. he hand delivered an e-mail (today’s quirk – Billings doesn’t want to use e-mail so he is hand delivering all correspondence on homemade papyrus paper) and when I told him my money problem he jiggled the change in his front pants pocket and told me that I should “panhandle for some coinage, duder!” I thought he was joking, but he showed me where he keeps his empty guitar case and tin can (in the vent shaft in the 1st floor break room). He told me, “A panhandler can’t panhandle without the right tools!" and he handed me a switchblade.

Billings also strongly suggested that the area around the front main doors is off limits. Apparently that area is off limits because, according to Mr. Billings, it’s quite lucrative for panhandling. I told him I really shouldn’t panhandle today because I am waiting for a call from printing concerning his “Clear Punishment” posters.

“Have you located that picture of Les yet?” I asked him, but before I heard a response Mr. Billings had grabbed his panhandling kit and left me alone in the 1st floor break room. I guess he had a panhandling jones he just had to fix. As for me, I’m just gonna hunker down at my desk and hope some lady comes-a-rushing in to use the restroom with change to spare for lil’ ol’ hungry Lubes.

Hi, I'm Not Bob Vila

Hey everybody, guess what I’ve been busy doing the past four hours? What's that? Something related to my job, Psyclone Industrys Resource Management? Or perhaps cleaning the toilets here in my office? Nope… Both are good guesses, but both are incorrect. Instead of doing what I was hired to do I am building a bar for my office as instructed by PI’s top man, Mr. Billings.

He popped into my office and instructed, “Hey, Bartman, I was at my desk officiating the 2006 Star Wars Figurines Playoff in my office and realized that the word ‘bar’ is part of your name. Ain’t that somethin’?”

I will admit that I was very excited that he, my boss, got 3 consecutive letters of my last name correct! This is 1 more than his previous high! He had reached the B-A on several occasions and flirted with the R a couple of times, but he had never pulled it out. I was beginning to think that B-A and then some random sound was as close as I’d ever hear him say when referring to me, but he pulled it out at 12:17:29 P.M. on Friday, January 13, 2006.

He continued, “… and during the middle of a hotly contested light saber battle betwixt Ben Obi-wan Kenobi and Boba Fett I thought, ‘Hey, why doesn’t Barbar have his own bar?’ Huh? ‘He’s got a prime spot down there on the bottom floor and at the end of the day everybody's gotta walk out the frontdoor… and his office is in the women’s bathroom to boot so there’s guaranteed to be women there almost all the time…’ So I dropped my figurines in the third and deciding round and ran down to tell you that you are officially ordered to build a bar. So get to it!”

Well, that was a lot to take in and I was unclear on several aspects. First, can we serve alcohol without a liquor license? Second, how do you build a bar (I am no Bob Vila)? And my last question, how did Boba Fett get a light saber?

After rattling off my concerns, Mr. Billings simply said, “I will leave all the bar-building plans and resource allocation to you. For Pete’s sake, do your job, Barbie! And J-S-Y-K, Boba won the light saber this morning in his wild-card matchup against Mace Windu.” With that, Mr. Billings vanished as quickly as he appeared.

And now, four hours later, I proudly sit behind my bar… At least the materials that will eventually become my bar. So far all I have acquired is a pile of wood, a power miter saw, and with the help of Mr. Billings’ frequent buyer card at Jimmy’s 4th Street Liquor, four cases of Jack Daniel and 2 cases of Jose Cuervo.

Anyway, when my bar is finished everyone at PI is invited to the grand opening. Sorry, but I don’t have a date pinpointed. I have not worked out all the kinks for a secure storage method to keep the hard liquor safe from Doc and Watergate, our janitors. They each have confided that each night before leaving work they bring a bottle of JD to Mister Spivey, the squirrel, as part of an “agreed agreement… Spivey gets the liquor and in return he doesn’t poop up the space between the walls.”

Unused Poster and Banner Sale in the Women's Bottom Floor Restroom!

This is just great! I just found out that Les Billings no longer works here at Psyclone Industrys. This means that the 2500 posters and banners with the slogan, “Les is More!” I just had to order are useless! All that paper, ink, and wo/manpower to print those dumb posters up all went for naught.

Also, we are wasting a supreme amount of storage space on ‘em, too! The warehouse guy told me we could no longer store our unused posters and banners at the warehouse after maxing out our storage space allotment for posters and banners earlier in the year.

I am not surprised we have maxed out our storage space for posters and banners after this Fall’s wonderful idea to run an in-house “Tastes Great! Les Filling!” campaign celebrating the cousin executive team of Mr. and Les Billings here at Psyclone Industrys.

Combine that with the impossible and ridiculous “Nuts of the Wild” poster (actually moderately funny – a delicious mix of pictures of walnuts, peanuts, and mug shots of Nick Nolte, James Brown, and Yasmine Bleeth) demands of Mister Spivey and the announcements for the management retreat in Tehran, Iran, called, “And Tehran, Tehran All Night and Day!” as well as the box of Craig T. Nelson posters I ordered for both Melissa Onionring and Watergate Woolsocks (to go with his Dauber Dybinski, from “Coach,” office and desk décor collection) and a clear picture emerges of a warehouse that is overrun with unused posters and banners.

So here I am, sitting in my office/women’s bottom floor restroom with 5 boxes of “Les is More!” propaganda. I suppose I could give them away as door prizes to all the women who actually wash their hands before leaving. It’s amazing the number of women who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom! Either after Number 1 or Number 2! Perhaps that will lead to a drop in the amount of viral-gastroenteritus here at PI…

Anywho, if anyone wants some posters and/or banners to spice up their cubicle (or if you just miss Les Billings and would like a daily reminder of him) come see me.

I could possibly drop some of them off on Doc who, in turn, could use them as floor runners around Mister Spivey’s office. That way he wouldn’t need to clean the carpets as often – he could simply replace the posters on the floor!

4-Ply in the Executive Restrooms

This inaugural posting will cover the topic of Resource Management at Psyclone Industrys. Actually, every posting will cover the topic of Resource Management at Psyclone Industrys. As I see it Resource Management is worthy of discussion since it seems to be a large problem for Psyclone Industrys.

For example, special 4-ply toilet paper is being used in the bathroom near the executive offices on the top floor while single-ply toilet paper is used in the 35 other restrooms at Psyclone Industrys. Take note of this because 4-ply toilet paper is approximately $0.33 more expensive per square than single ply.

Why do the neckties on the top floor get to use such dandy toilet paper? (I think this TP is made even more extraordinary because I didn't even know toilet paper companies made 4-ply!). I think it is because the executive restrooms are used exclusively by both Mr. Billings and his sidekick Les Billings. Therefore they know that they are the only employees that use this restroom. I know this is a fact because for a short while my office was relocated to the top floor executive restroom and they were the only visitors I had during my stay.

Oh, sure it was nice digs for awhile, but then the Billings figured out I was using their precious 4-ply to blow my nose. And then it was back to the bottom floor women's restroom for ol' Lubos! Oh... Ol' Lubos was livin' the good life only to have it swept away by Les Billings. I assume it was Les Billings' evil doing as Mr. never had a single gripe until Les showed up. And then one day it was, "Hey Lubes, could you put all your stuff into this empty cardboard box and forget about the 4-ply TP and then take a look at my fist as it flies at your face real quick?"

I'll at least give Les Billings credit for getting my name right. He's the only one in this whole building that knows me by my government name. It's just too bad he also punches me every time he sees me. Anywho, I awoke face down on the floor later that afternoon back in the women's bathroom with all my stuff packed in a cardboard box at my feet. At first I thought I had fallen yet again and knocked myself out while taking a personal inventory, but I quickly realized the truth when I noticed the 4-ply Charmin logo on the side of the cardboard box.

Well, what I want for everyone to take away from my story is to cherish company resources. Because who knows, with resource management the way it is currently configured, we may be facing cutbacks on lemonade and staplers.